Thursday, January 15, 2015

You never know where life is going to take you.  The last time I was here, was just a few days after my 58th birthday.  Life seemed "normal" then.
     Although my boyfriend and my sister-in-law had just lost someone so important in their lives, I believed that I could help them both through their grief.  Little did I know, that I was only preparing myself for some of the hardest things I was about to encounter.  All the great advice I gave them, all the positive things I knew to say, all of those things escape me now.
     On August 11, 2014 the first man that I ever loved passed away.  My Daddy.  Life has been so difficult with him gone and I had so many questions for God.  All the whys just didn't seem to get answered.
     Then 3 days before Christmas, on December 22, 2014, the most horrible tragedy happened.  My son called me to tell me he had found his son, my 17 year old grandson dead.  
    The grief I have felt since that day, is indescribable.  On top of grieving for Smokey (Bret's Dad) and Eve (Kathy's Mom), now I had Daddy and Shayne to add to what my heart was already feeling.
    We all hear that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, well, my take on that is that God didn't give me all this.  I know that God is Good all the time, and I rest in the fact that God is with all 4 of these very special people.
     I never thought about death like I do now.  When it was other people's death, it made sense.
     I don't know what else to say, except that I will forever believe in God and I know that he is looking after us through all of this.
    I just need to find a place to start again.  I have a beautiful family.  I have 4 wonderful children, 1 living grandson, and 1 who is living with God now.  I have many other family members,  I love them all so much.  I pray for them all the time.  I have to trust they are in good hands with God looking after them.  And I have to believe that God is going to show me how to get through my sadness, and keep on living.  
     I know Daddy & Shayne would both want that from me.  I miss them terribly and I have so many questions.  But, I will be patient with God, because I know He has been so patient with me.