Ramblings

Here is a post of my bottle cap pin cushions.  A project that my sister Ida invited us to do.  It was lots of fun. 

Wow, well another year has passed and here we are.  So much not going on in our world today.  We are making history! Currently, the world is going thru a pandemic ~ hearing those words is just strange.  The USA is suffering thru something called the Coronavirus COVID-19.  Fortunately, Lincoln County only has 1 case, the rest of New Mexico totally has 1,798 positive results of COVID-19, 53 dead, 92 hospitalized, and 465 recovered.  It’s crazy! My salon has been closed for a month.  In the beginning of this closure I was ok.  I kept thinking, “ok, I will just pretend I’m practicing for the day I get to retire”.  Then the days of uncertainty dragged on.  I had moved back in with Mama (she’s 98 now), and decided to just ride this thing out. Well, one month later things haven’t changed much.  The governor of NM has put us on this quarantine until April 30.  But, I’m not sure that date will actually be the day we get to go back to ou...

     Wow, I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve been here.  So much has happened.  Life has gone on.  My little Eli is 8 years old.  What a precious boy.  So smart and happy and a good kid.     We survived another holiday season.  I’m still not sure why holidays are so difficult for us all.  I guess just so many people and so much going one between 3 houses.  Wanting to stop and visit with everyone and just not having time to concentrate on any one person.  It’s basically chaos, but still lots of love between us all.      It’s been 4 years since we lost Daddy & Shayne.  Sometimes it’s so hard to believe it’s been that long, but in another aspect I feel like it’s been forever.  I miss them both so much.  I go back and watch the videos of Shayne, so I can hear his voice.  I look at young men who are the age he would be now (21) and try to picture how he would look.  A...

Well once again, it looks like it's been 4 months since I've written, which to some might seem like not that much time at all.  The thing is, so much can happen in such a short time.   Last time I was here it was my birthday.  Since then there have been many birthdays.        My brother Albert had a birthday, then Mama and Daddy celebrated their 68th Anniversary.  My son Luke, little sister Lynette, Josh, Patrick, Mama & Daddy, Bret, Ida all had birthdays.  Then on August 11th something happened that changed everything.        I always thought I understood death, I was sure I knew everything there was to know about life and death and what I found out is that I didn't know much at all about it.      On August 11, 2014 we lost our dear Daddy.  I seriously don't think my heart will ever be the same. Dad had just turned 92 and he and Mama had just had their 68th Anniversary.  Mama said she knew ...

     I woke up this morning thinking about death again!  It is because ever since Daddy and Eva and Shayne died, it seems like all I've done for the past 3 years is go to funerals.  It makes me wonder if it's just because I viewed death differently before these losses.      Anyway, as I was thinking this morning, I contemplated my own death.  For the first time in my life I realized how unafraid I am of dying.  I look at all the things around me, the material things and I realize that they really aren't so important.  They are just things.  What is important is the lives of the people I love and care for.  Not a huge revelation, except for the part about not being afraid.      I have a lot of loose ends I would have to tie up and I would ask that God would hold off a bit until I do those things.  You know, like clean my storage in my basement, so that my kids won't have to deal with it.   ...

Daddy died two years ago on August 11, and on December 22 it will be the two year anniversary of the death of my precious grandson.  There hasn't been one day go by without thoughts of my Dad & Shayne.  I've changed considerably in those two years. I guess we all grow up learning that life is what changes us, but it doesn't have the same impact that death does. I've been learning about grief and what a terrible thing that it is to have following you around.  I've been trying to teach myself that grief is in the same category as unforgiveness. They only bring harm to us.  But, we grow and we change in both.   I've had to really grow up in these 60 years of mine.  I've learned a lot of hard lessons about myself. but also about the people around me.  I've had to learn that expectations are so damaging.  When you start expecting and then get disappointed, it just makes trouble. But we all expect things, it's human nature.  We want, ...

Today from 4 pm to 6 pm was the graduation at Timber Creek High School in Keller, Texas.  Tonight, if Shayne was still with us, we would have all been at his graduation.  It's so difficult to even try to explain how that feels. There are going to be so many "things & times" that I will feel this way.  So many things we will miss.  Shaynes graduation is just one of many things that we will never get to share.  He might have gone to college, fallen in love, gotten married, had children.  But, none of these things are ever going to happen.  For the rest of our lives, Shayne will always be 17. I have wanted to do something ever since Shayne died.  Something to tell the world to help people who are depressed.  Something to teach us to see things better.  To not miss the signs.  I wish so badly that Shayne would have told us that he was hurting.  Oh, if I could only turn the clock back and save my precious grandson. So, tod...

Another year has passed and I haven't written.  My mind is in so many places.  It's crazy how I feel when I come here to write, because it's almost as if I have someone to vent to, and venting is a good thing. I've come so far with God too in the last year.  It's horrible how bad things happening are what draw you closer to God.  It's made me afraid to not be close to God, because I don't want any other bad thing to happen. Two of my friends have recently been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, makes me feel like I shouldn't be complaining about anything.  At least I'm healthy and so is all my family. I pray every day & night for my family, which is my mom, brother, sisters, kids, grandkids and all my extended family.  And of course I pray for Bret and his family.  I pray for the ones that need health prayers, finding job prayers, getting thru school prayers, grief prayers. just all the struggles of this life we live.  I know God hears me, I ...

       You hear those old sayings:  "Having a case of the Mondays?", "I hate Monday's", "If Monday had a face, I would punch it".  Everyone always trashing Monday's.      When I think of Monday now, I feel sad and I will probably feel sad about that day for the rest of my life.  I lost two very important people on a Monday.  And my heart just grieves.      My Daddy and my grandson both died on a Monday, both in 2014.    

It is almost my 59th birthday.  I was born in Carrizozo, NM, delivered by Dr. Spencer, on April 30, 1956.  My parents lived in Hondo at the time, and that’s just what you did, you drove to the clinic in Carrizozo.  I don’t remember much of my early years, but know that we lived in Hondo, Carrizozo, Alamogordo, and Ruidoso. My earliest childhood memories are when we lived at Shier’s Trailer Park in Hollywood, NM, which is between Ruidoso & Ruidoso Downs.  When I was about 6 or 7 we moved into a home that was next-door to where my Daddy worked at C & L Lumber.  We lived there until I was a sophomore in high school. In 1972 we moved to where I currently live on Colorado Lane in Ruidoso Downs, NM. I have three sisters and one brother.  Irene, Ida, Albert & Lynette.  They are amazing.  We learned about love & family from two of the best teachers.  We learned about God and how to pray. I have tried to pass all...

Death changes everything!  Time changes nothing…. I still miss the sound of your voice, the wisdom in your advice, the stories of your life and just being in your presence.  So No, time changes nothing, I miss you as much today as I did the day you died.  I just m iss you!

From one of my readings this morning: I have seen your heart, your heaviness, your tears and I have said it is enough. I am removing many obstacles from your pathway at this time, setting your feet on solid ground. There is not an issue of lack. You have lifted your hearts to Me and said, “I know My God will make a way”. My child, I made the way even before you asked. Rejoice! I have opened and am opening doors that no one can take credit for. I am bringing back to your heart a stability in Me. The time of testing has been hard and the enemy meant it for your harm. But I have been here all the time. For this is a pathway chosen especially for you. This is the season of releasing that knowledge. Look to the midnight hour for a release of Heavenly wisdom, even a downpour from Heaven to be released. This is to bring freshness to you and the enemy will be put to flight.  Sorrow will no more be your portion. The time of birthing has ended and this is the season to rejoice over the ...

You never know where life is going to take you.  The last time I was here  just a few days after my 58th birthday.  Life seemed "normal" then.      Although my boyfriend and my sister-in-law had just lost someone so important in their lives, I believed that I could help them both through their grief.  Little did I know, that I was only preparing myself for some of the hardest things I was about to encounter.  All the great advice I gave them, all the positive things I knew to say, all of those things escape me now.      On August 11, 2014 the first man that I ever loved passed away.  My Daddy.  Life has been so difficult with him gone and I had so many questions for God.  All the whys just didn't seem to get answered.      Then 3 days before Christmas, on December 22, 2014, the most horrible tragedy happened.  My son called me to tell me he had found his son, my 17 year old grandson dead.  ...

I can't believe it's been a month since I've been here.  I guess my mind has just been on other things.  I also can't believe how far off "target" I seem to get.  I had all these plans to work on the book and I haven't done much at all.  I did write for a couple of days, but then I just get busy with life. So, I just turned 58 and I feel great.  Business is still slow, but I know it will pick up now that summer is almost here. Josh is living with me now.  My nephew, Ida's son.  He is working for Bret and it's nice to have someone else in the house.   Love, love, love to all and maybe I'll be back soon!

Today we worked on the steps (Bret and I and Daddy was supervising) ~ Last year the Natural Gas Co. came in and put in a line to my house so I wouldn't have to be paying for propane.  Well in the process they dug up most of my steps up to my parking lot. I didn't have time last summer for work on them, so we started today.  It most certainly is back-breaking work.  But we got lots accomplished.  Maybe tomorrow with Dad's help I can finish. I doubt Bret wants to come back ever!!!!  Ha ha, not really, he has to work at his job tomorrow.  Yay, Thanks Bret !!!!!

Here's a photo of the salon,  it's pretty awesome.   I saw my sisters yesterday, they were here for the day.  They both mentioned that they noticed I hadn't blogged in awhile. I have no excuse.  At least not a good one.  I guess I've been preoccupied with work, or some days the lack of work.  Still building up a clientele.  But it's getting better.  Just trying to hang in there until summer, then it will pick up. As for the story I was writing, I've decided that I need to write from a different perspective, but I haven't figured out one yet, so I'm at a stand`still.

Feeling so much frustration lately.  Haven't written in a few days.  Trying to figure it all out.  That is probably what the problem is.  Need to wait on God and quit trying to rush things........... AAARGH!

Still feeling very overwhelmed after the Women's Warrior Convention this past weekend.  I'm filled with an unrestrained passion, knowing that I'm supposed to be doing something else in my life.  Knowing I have a gift that is sitting inside being unsused. I'm waiting for God's next move in my life.  I have finally settled down some, from those 1st days after the conference.  I don't feel it's necessary for God to give me one answer ~ right now.  I will wait.       But, I found this really awesome photo on the computer, I need to post it so it doesn't get lost in all my photos & downloads.  Maybe, I will figure out a way to put them each in labeled folders.  So many things I'm capable of doing on this computer, organizing isn't one of them.  Maybe a computer class at ENMU is in order. 

                                           Empowerment   "When one paints an ideal, one does not need to limit one's imagination." -Ellen Key In the film world, we see that anything is possible.  Why?  Because there are writers and actors and directors working together to create a reality for the big screen.  Many of these production companies have names that emphasize that it is an illusion that we are watching, like "Dreamworks" or "Imagine Films."  In the "real" world, anything is possible, but we don't always believe it.  We limit ourselves to what we have already experienced, or what we can see, or feel.  But the truth is that we are creating our reality everyday, just the same way that filmmakers are making movies.  We're writing our script, and acting it out....

                                           DESIRE "In my experience, there is only one motivation, and that is desire. No reasons or principle contain it or stand against it.   ( Jane Smiley) Empowered Desire moves us to action.  The bigger the desire, the swifter the action.  When we really want something, we get creative, and pull out all the stops.  We engage our intelligence, we find the means to fulfill our desire.  We become empowered.