J.K. Rowling describes the period after her time in Portugal as being ‘rock bottom’. She goes on however, to say that rock bottom became a solid foundation on which she rebuilt her life.
“Failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than I was and began diverting all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me.”
Daddy died two years ago on August 11, and on December 22 it will be the two year anniversary of the death of my precious grandson. There hasn't been one day go by without thoughts of my Dad & Shayne. I've changed considerably in those two years.
I guess we all grow up learning that life is what changes us, but it doesn't have the same impact that death does.
I've been learning about grief and what a terrible thing that it is to have following you around. I've been trying to teach myself that grief is in the same category as unforgiveness. They only bring harm to us. But, we grow and we change in both.
I've had to really grow up in these 60 years of mine. I've learned a lot of hard lessons about myself. but also about the people around me. I've had to learn that expectations are so damaging. When you start expecting and then get disappointed, it just makes trouble.
But we all expect things, it's human nature. We want, we wish for, we think…
I woke up this morning thinking about death again! It is because ever since Daddy and Eva and Shayne died, it seems like all I've done for the past 3 years is go to funerals. It makes me wonder if it's just because I viewed death differently before these losses.
Anyway, as I was thinking this morning, I contemplated my own death. For the first time in my life I realized how unafraid I am of dying. I look at all the things around me, the material things and I realize that they really aren't so important. They are just things. What is important is the lives of the people I love and care for. Not a huge revelation, except for the part about not being afraid.
I have a lot of loose ends I would have to tie up and I would ask that God would hold off a bit until I do those things. You know, like clean my storage in my basement, so that my kids won't have to deal with it.
But the more important things, I would like to fully express to the people in…
Today from 4 pm to 6 pm was the graduation at Timber Creek High School in Keller, Texas. Tonight, if Shayne was still with us, we would have all been at his graduation. It's so difficult to even try to explain how that feels.
There are going to be so many "things & times" that I will feel this way. So many things we will miss. Shaynes graduation is just one of many things that we will never get to share. He might have gone to college, fallen in love, gotten married, had children. But, none of these things are ever going to happen. For the rest of our lives, Shayne will always be 17.
I have wanted to do something ever since Shayne died. Something to tell the world to help people who are depressed. Something to teach us to see things better. To not miss the signs. I wish so badly that Shayne would have told us that he was hurting. Oh, if I could only turn the clock back and save my precious grandson.
So, today, instead of going to graduation, I will instead…