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A New Day

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I woke up this morning thinking about death again!  It is because ever since Daddy and Eva and Shayne died, it seems like all I've done for the past 3 years is go to funerals.  It makes me wonder if it's just because I viewed death differently before these losses.

     Anyway, as I was thinking this morning, I contemplated my own death.  For the first time in my life I realized how unafraid I am of dying.  I look at all the things around me, the material things and I realize that they really aren't so important.  They are just things.  What is important is the lives of the people I love and care for.  Not a huge revelation, except for the part about not being afraid.

     I have a lot of loose ends I would have to tie up and I would ask that God would hold off a bit until I do those things.  You know, like clean my storage in my basement, so that my kids won't have to deal with it.

     But the more important things, I would like to fully express to the people in…

Anniversaries ~ Grief ~ Love

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Daddy died two years ago on August 11, and on December 22 it will be the two year anniversary of the death of my precious grandson.  There hasn't been one day go by without thoughts of my Dad & Shayne.  I've changed considerably in those two years.

I guess we all grow up learning that life is what changes us, but it doesn't have the same impact that death does.

I've been learning about grief and what a terrible thing that it is to have following you around.  I've been trying to teach myself that grief is in the same category as unforgiveness. They only bring harm to us.  But, we grow and we change in both.  

I've had to really grow up in these 60 years of mine.  I've learned a lot of hard lessons about myself. but also about the people around me.  I've had to learn that expectations are so damaging.  When you start expecting and then get disappointed, it just makes trouble.

But we all expect things, it's human nature.  We want, we wish for, we think…

Timber Creek High School Graduation

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Today from 4 pm to 6 pm was the graduation at Timber Creek High School in Keller, Texas.  Tonight, if Shayne was still with us, we would have all been at his graduation.  It's so difficult to even try to explain how that feels.

There are going to be so many "things & times" that I will feel this way.  So many things we will miss.  Shaynes graduation is just one of many things that we will never get to share.  He might have gone to college, fallen in love, gotten married, had children.  But, none of these things are ever going to happen.  For the rest of our lives, Shayne will always be 17.

I have wanted to do something ever since Shayne died.  Something to tell the world to help people who are depressed.  Something to teach us to see things better.  To not miss the signs.  I wish so badly that Shayne would have told us that he was hurting.  Oh, if I could only turn the clock back and save my precious grandson.

So, today, instead of going to graduation, I will instead…

Time Marches On

Another year has passed and I haven't written.  My mind is in so many places.  It's crazy how I feel when I come here to write, because it's almost as if I have someone to vent to, and venting is a good thing.

I've come so far with God too in the last year.  It's horrible how bad things happening are what draw you closer to God.  It's made me afraid to not be close to God, because I don't want any other bad thing to happen.

Two of my friends have recently been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, makes me feel like I shouldn't be complaining about anything.  At least I'm healthy and so is all my family.

I pray every day & night for my family, which is my mom, brother, sisters, kids, grandkids and all my extended family.  And of course I pray for Bret and his family.  I pray for the ones that need health prayers, finding job prayers, getting thru school prayers, grief prayers. just all the struggles of this life we live.  I know God hears me, I just kno…

Mondays

You hear those old sayings:  "Having a case of the Mondays?", "I hate Monday's", "If Monday had a face, I would punch it".  Everyone always trashing Monday's.

     When I think of Monday now, I feel sad and I will probably feel sad about that day for the rest of my life.  I lost two very important people on a Monday.  And my heart just grieves.

     My Daddy and my grandson both died on a Monday, both in 2014.

Thanks Mom & Dad from your Birthday Girl

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It is almost my 59th birthday.  I was born in Carrizozo, NM, delivered by Dr. Spencer, on April 30, 1956.  My parents lived in Hondo at the time, and that’s just what you did, you drove to the clinic in Carrizozo.  I don’t remember much of my early years, but know that we lived in Hondo, Carrizozo, Alamogordo, and Ruidoso.
My earliest childhood memories are when we lived at Shier’s Trailer Park in Hollywood, NM, which is between Ruidoso & Ruidoso Downs. 
When I was about 6 or 7 we moved into a home that was next-door to where my Daddy worked at C & L Lumber.  We lived there until I was a sophomore in high school.
In 1972 we moved to where I currently live on Colorado Lane in Ruidoso Downs, NM.
I have three sisters and one brother.  Irene, Ida, Albert & Lynette.  They are amazing.  We learned about love & family from two of the best teachers.  We learned about God and how to pray.
I have tried to pass all the things they taught me to my own children.  Luke, Robert, Jessica…
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Death changes everything!  Time changes nothing…. I still miss the sound of your voice, the wisdom in your advice, the stories of your life and just being in your presence.  So No, time changes nothing, I miss you as much today as I did the day you died.  I just miss you!