January 16, 2019

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve been here.  So much has happened.  Life has gone on.  My little Eli is 8 years old.  What a precious boy.  So smart and happy and a good kid.
    We survived another holiday season.  I’m still not sure why holidays are so difficult for us all.  I guess just so many people and so much going one between 3 houses.  Wanting to stop and visit with everyone and just not having time to concentrate on any one person.  It’s basically chaos, but still lots of love between us all.
     It’s been 4 years since we lost Daddy & Shayne.  Sometimes it’s so hard to believe it’s been that long, but in another aspect I feel like it’s been forever.  I miss them both so much.  I go back and watch the videos of Shayne, so I can hear his voice.  I look at young men who are the age he would be now (21) and try to picture how he would look.  And I continue to ask God to give me clarity about why this happened.  And I still cry.  I think our tears are …
Well once again, it looks like it's been 4 months since I've written, which to some might seem like not that much time at all.  The thing is, so much can happen in such a short time.   Last time I was here it was my birthday.  Since then there have been many birthdays.  
     My brother Albert had a birthday, then Mama and Daddy celebrated their 68th Anniversary.  My son Luke, little sister Lynette, Josh, Patrick, Mama & Daddy, Bret, Ida all had birthdays.  Then on August 11th something happened that changed everything.  
     I always thought I understood death, I was sure I knew everything there was to know about life and death and what I found out is that I didn't know much at all about it.
     On August 11, 2014 we lost our dear Daddy.  I seriously don't think my heart will ever be the same. Dad had just turned 92 and he and Mama had just had their 68th Anniversary.  Mama said she knew Dad even before that, so I know that the ache I feel is probably nothing close…

A New Day

I woke up this morning thinking about death again!  It is because ever since Daddy and Eva and Shayne died, it seems like all I've done for the past 3 years is go to funerals.  It makes me wonder if it's just because I viewed death differently before these losses.

     Anyway, as I was thinking this morning, I contemplated my own death.  For the first time in my life I realized how unafraid I am of dying.  I look at all the things around me, the material things and I realize that they really aren't so important.  They are just things.  What is important is the lives of the people I love and care for.  Not a huge revelation, except for the part about not being afraid.

     I have a lot of loose ends I would have to tie up and I would ask that God would hold off a bit until I do those things.  You know, like clean my storage in my basement, so that my kids won't have to deal with it.

     But the more important things, I would like to fully express to the people in…

Anniversaries ~ Grief ~ Love

Daddy died two years ago on August 11, and on December 22 it will be the two year anniversary of the death of my precious grandson.  There hasn't been one day go by without thoughts of my Dad & Shayne.  I've changed considerably in those two years.

I guess we all grow up learning that life is what changes us, but it doesn't have the same impact that death does.

I've been learning about grief and what a terrible thing that it is to have following you around.  I've been trying to teach myself that grief is in the same category as unforgiveness. They only bring harm to us.  But, we grow and we change in both.  

I've had to really grow up in these 60 years of mine.  I've learned a lot of hard lessons about myself. but also about the people around me.  I've had to learn that expectations are so damaging.  When you start expecting and then get disappointed, it just makes trouble.

But we all expect things, it's human nature.  We want, we wish for, we think…

Timber Creek High School Graduation

Today from 4 pm to 6 pm was the graduation at Timber Creek High School in Keller, Texas.  Tonight, if Shayne was still with us, we would have all been at his graduation.  It's so difficult to even try to explain how that feels.

There are going to be so many "things & times" that I will feel this way.  So many things we will miss.  Shaynes graduation is just one of many things that we will never get to share.  He might have gone to college, fallen in love, gotten married, had children.  But, none of these things are ever going to happen.  For the rest of our lives, Shayne will always be 17.

I have wanted to do something ever since Shayne died.  Something to tell the world to help people who are depressed.  Something to teach us to see things better.  To not miss the signs.  I wish so badly that Shayne would have told us that he was hurting.  Oh, if I could only turn the clock back and save my precious grandson.

So, today, instead of going to graduation, I will instead…

Time Marches On

Another year has passed and I haven't written.  My mind is in so many places.  It's crazy how I feel when I come here to write, because it's almost as if I have someone to vent to, and venting is a good thing.

I've come so far with God too in the last year.  It's horrible how bad things happening are what draw you closer to God.  It's made me afraid to not be close to God, because I don't want any other bad thing to happen.

Two of my friends have recently been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, makes me feel like I shouldn't be complaining about anything.  At least I'm healthy and so is all my family.

I pray every day & night for my family, which is my mom, brother, sisters, kids, grandkids and all my extended family.  And of course I pray for Bret and his family.  I pray for the ones that need health prayers, finding job prayers, getting thru school prayers, grief prayers. just all the struggles of this life we live.  I know God hears me, I just kno…


You hear those old sayings:  "Having a case of the Mondays?", "I hate Monday's", "If Monday had a face, I would punch it".  Everyone always trashing Monday's.

     When I think of Monday now, I feel sad and I will probably feel sad about that day for the rest of my life.  I lost two very important people on a Monday.  And my heart just grieves.

     My Daddy and my grandson both died on a Monday, both in 2014.