A New Day

     I woke up this morning thinking about death again!  It is because ever since Daddy and Eva and Shayne died, it seems like all I've done for the past 3 years is go to funerals.  It makes me wonder if it's just because I viewed death differently before these losses.

     Anyway, as I was thinking this morning, I contemplated my own death.  For the first time in my life I realized how unafraid I am of dying.  I look at all the things around me, the material things and I realize that they really aren't so important.  They are just things.  What is important is the lives of the people I love and care for.  Not a huge revelation, except for the part about not being afraid.

     I have a lot of loose ends I would have to tie up and I would ask that God would hold off a bit until I do those things.  You know, like clean my storage in my basement, so that my kids won't have to deal with it.

     But the more important things, I would like to fully express to the people in my life how truly important they are, not just to me, but to God.  We have such a wonderful Father who loves us so much.  Even though so many people have so may questions as to His motives, I have finally come full circle and I understand that we just live in a messed up world.  God gave us so much and what we choose to do with it, is just that  ~~  our choice,

     Sure, I still have questions about things like the death of someone so young, like Shayne.  But I just have to believe deep down in my heart that God knew what was best. Because we pray for our kids to have a great life, maybe God knew something we didn't know, something terrible in Shayne's future that He saved him from.  If Shayne was headed down a long and hard road, maybe going to be with God was just a better decision.

    The hard part about that is who Shayne left behind. His family who loved him so very much.  It's a hard reality that we are all going to die eventually.   I read something recently that said, "Everyone knows they are going to die ~ they just don't want to believe it".  Hmmm

     This is why I call this page Ramblings ~ because I ramble.

     I recently had a conversation with a young lady and it was a meeting we set up for a class I believe she is taking in college for her degree in Psychology or something of that nature.  Anyway, I was to close my eyes and she would ask me questions.  So as always, I was a very willing participant.  To my surprise I was able to remember way more that I expected.  She asked me questions about when I was 5 years old.  I will be 61 in less than a month and I was shocked at the memories she was able to get from me. because I didn't think I remembered anything that far back.  The session lasted approximately an hour and a 10 minutes.

     Well, to my total surprise, this young lady unearthed so many things that I didn't really know about myself.   It was as if all the reasons for my codependency, low self`esteem, and all my other things that make me be me were just "right there" in front of my own self to see.  WOW

     The next huge surprise was that for the past few days since then, it's as if every ounce of anxiety and restlessness I've every had, has suddenly vanished.  I'm amazed at how I feel.

     I've been praying for a long time for God to help me get rid of the anxiety, so that I don't have to take drugs like Xanax for it.  It feels wonderful to wake up in the morning and feel so stress free.

     Even though I know there are things that aren't completely decided in my life and my children's lives, it's ok.  I don't have to fret anymore.  Everything will be ok.  That revelation didn't come from the session itself, it came from me not stressing about everybody's lives.  Which is something I've done FOREVER!

Yes, I'm rambling.

I love to go back later and read this stuff ~ I think it's important

So, in closing today, first I thank my precious Father in Heaven, my Lord & Savior, my All, then I thank Him for giving me the family He gave me.  My Daddy is my Hero, Mama is my lifeline, my brother & sisters my forever friends, and my children, they are who God gave me all the years of my life I spent praying for God to send me someone to love and who would love me unconditionally, and my sweet precious grandsons, my angel in Heaven and my little angel on earth.  And even though my life with my last boyfriend hasn't worked out so far, I thank God for him, he will always be so special to me, he has loved me and I know he will always love me.  You all know who you are!






   

Comments

  1. Well I think I know why you are thinking so much about your own death right now and I know....I've been there.....and I agree with you that before Daddy died I really didn't think about death very much.....maybe because he was our first time dealing with a death so close it somehow started us thinking about it more......I know how you feel because I'm not afraid of my own death either........I only feel sad about the ones left behind........You are in such a good place right now. You know who you are and you know that God is the most important "love" in your life.........and as the scripture says...."If God is for us, who can be against us?"..............I love you so much Badrita.......

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    1. Well, I've been reading about Rosita, that came so suddenly, well to me at least. Seems like I just saw her about a month ago and now she is in Hospice. Things can change in an instant and we have to absolutely know it. And yes, I finally know who I am and why I'm here and if for some reason it were all to come to an end, I know that who I've been has impacted a lot of lives. And I agree the ones left behind are sad, but hopefully they learn something from our lives. I know that I have so many things I learned from Daddy ~ all I have to do is think for a minute and if I need an answer to a question, the answer is there. I love you too Idy Jo :)

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